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Friday: This may be hyperbolic to say, but I think T-Pain might just be my American idol. I’m going to blame it on the PHENOMENON that was “I’m On a Boat.” While I may not get to sail the seas with Mr. Pain, I sure can buy an iPhone and sound like him. Explanation: there is actually an iPhone app that makes your voice sound exactly like T-Pain. Finally, Apple has started releasing practical applications. It’s aptly titled “I Am T-Pain,” and it will probably be the best $2.99 you ever spend. 

By the time you read this article, you’ll hopefully have been listening to The Blueprint III for a couple of days. Instead of the original September 11 release date, you’ll now get your hands on it on September 8. That’s the same day Jay-Z kicks off his tour in Chicago! Catch him through November in Columbus, Austin, London, Seattle, and dozens of other locales.

Saturday: Hot damn—Fuck Buttons are going to be busy these next few months. Their second album Tarot Sport is slated for an October 12 release, and they’re jetting off on a huge world tour from September to December that includes stops in Denmark, Germany, and New York City.  

Sunday: Oh, wow. I think the world of cinema is in trouble when The Final Destination is #1 at the box office for the second week in a row. Its 10-day total was $47.6 million—pretty respectable for a completely ridiculous concept that’s been rehashed FOUR times. And are they pulling the same trick that those Fast and Furious kids did? Adding or removing “the” to/from a title does not make it a new movie.  

Monday: If you worked today, I hope you didn’t have to deal with too many people pointing out the irony of your situation. If you didn’t work, here’s hoping you watched MTV’s 16 & Pregnant marathon all day. Television gold, I say. 

Tuesday: When I first heard Matt & Kim’s “Daylight,” I thought it was full of catchy goodness. But, I had no idea that it was going to be the song that made them pretty damn famous. Not only is it in a Bacardi commercial (a sure sign of official arrival on the mainstream scene), but De La Soul just gave this duo a few rhymes for a “Daylight” remix. DE LA SOUL! That’s just too exciting. The remix master is DJ Troublemaker, so be sure to check it out under that moniker. 

Wednesday: The only thing I love more than a documentary is a mockumentary. Add the Artic Monkeys to that equation, and I’m a happy camper. UK filmmaker Shane Meadows has released Le Donk and Scor-zay-zee, in which an old roadie tries to get Scor-zay-zee (a fat, white rapper) the chance to open for the Arctic Monkeys. I’m intrigued to see whether or not the band is hilarious. Come October 26, I can see for myself on DVD. 

Thursday: GASP. Reuters has nothing. Nothing! I’ve been scanning for a bit now, and no hilarity as graced their page. So, in lieu of terribly written headlines, I offer this quirky bit of news: Ellen DeGeneres is the new Paula Abdul. Say what? Yeah, DeGeneres is now the fourth judge on American Idol. So, does that mean that the judges are done pretending like they give sage musical advice? Because really, if we’re going to go the talk show host route, you could have at least gotten Rachel Ray to supply a steady stream of catchphrases.