Heave Media

The Weekly Roundtable:

What song would you lose your virginity to?

Most people don't realize it, but the primary qualification for working at/writing for Heave is that you have to be a world-renowned lover. The first two questions on our internship applications break down like so: For the men: "How many illegitimate children do you refuse to recognize?" And for the women: "How many men have been driven to suicide because, like the goddess Aphrodite, no one could satify them as you once did?" Indeed, sometimes it's difficult to even find time for a meeting because so many of us moonlight as tantric sex instructors.

But this week our writers put aside their expertise and were asked to think way back when, to the first time they did the deed. The question was this: Assuming you have super powers and can travel back in time, what song would you pick to lose your virginity to? 

Here's what we all thought: 

Ben Wadington: Ophur – “Sweet Lovin’ (All Night Long).” Despite my intense opposition to the fundamental assumption behind this week's roundtable question—namely, that I’ve lost my virginity—I have prepared a response as if my V-Card wasn’t proudly sewn to my sleeve.  Just kidding.  That patch fell off years before I actually got the talk.  So if I could travel back in time and push buttons to listen to a particular song during my debut at the deed, I’d pick “Sweet Lovin' (All Night Long)” by Chicago’s own Ophur.

The first track off their long-player The Wheel Theory, “Sweet Lovin’” starts off with Bryn Martin’s guitar in full ‘wah’ mode.  After the late Benson Krause does his best Barry White, the track kicks into a groove worthy of a primo spot on a porno soundtrack.  Bryan Walker’s bass line is as funky as any of Flea’s, and it walks us through one of the band’s best songs.  Krause alternately scats and sings falsetto on a track that showcases how talented a vocalist and songwriter he truly was.  Moreover, the break has lyrics that fit nearly any guy’s first time: “It’s so unclear to me how I got where I am.”  And at 5:29, it’s long enough to lose it multiple times.  You can download “Sweet Lovin’” and all of Ophur’s catalogue here. 

Alyssa Vincent: Broken Social Scene – “Anthems for a Seventeen-Year Old Girl.” While I'm tempted to say that I'd happily lose it again to "Womanizer" by Britney Spears, I'm going to have to go with something slightly more sentimental--"Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene. Honestly, I think it's one of the most beautiful songs in the world--save for "Transatlanticism." The dreamy, repeatitive vocals combined with the gorgeous strings make me swoon every single time I listen to it. And really, if a song can make me swoon, chances are it can make me take my clothes off. Check it out here.

Ryan Peters: Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Long as I Can See the Light.” You might think that since I was the one who came up with this week’s question that I’d have a readymade answer, but the truth is that I think picking a song for this was harder than actually having sex in the first place (that’s what she said). I went through a lot of possibilities; my first thought was to pick something that would appeal to a sense of feminine delicacy--perhaps some crappy Sarah McLachlan? But then I remembered that I will forever associate Sarah McLachlan with images of beaten and tortured animals, like this. And as much as one-eyed puppy dogs get me hot in the biscuit, I’m not sure it’s really first-time material.  For a brief minute I thought that I would go with Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You,” but had to give that one up due mostly to the fact that I’m not sure how well I could perform for the first time on top of a white piano in the dead of winter on a New York City building, like so.

So, finally, I settled on CCR’s “Long as I Can See the Light.” The song is full on boom-chika-wah-wah from the get-go, and John Foggerty’s lyrics promising that, “though I’m gone, go-oone, oooh I’ll be coming home soon,” make me envision all sorts of exciting virginity-losing scenarios. Like, for example, what if I had just spent 5 days in the woods tracking and murdering an Alaskan Black Bear with nothing by my hands and some chicken wire and this song was playing as I walked up a long dirt road that led back home to my enraptured girlfriend with the bear’s carcass slung over my shoulder, ready to provide meat and sustenance for the long winter ahead? HOLY SHIT. I can hear the panties hit the floor already. Check it out here.  

Mark Steffen: Patti Smith – “Gloria.” If I were to be able to get all Marty McFly on myself, I have a feeling I'd have to throw Patti Smith's debut Horses on as the younger me found his way past the waistline of his own first Gloria.  When it comes to sultry and intellectual singers, the queen of late-70s New York and seminal riotgrrl cannot do any wrong.

The steady build from piano-accompanying vocals in shoe-dragger time to all-out rock anthem is a perfect punctuation for any landmark action and, lyrically, it doesn't get much more base and primal than the lyrics penned by Van Morrison and taken over by Patti Smith's uber-feminism.  With piano-punching accents while Patti screams that she's "knocking on my door" and getting ready to "take the big plunge" tangling with its simplistic and methodical beating of three brilliant chords, "Gloria" can even get the Chess team to saunter up to Varsity cheerleaders.

But honestly, there is no one in the world who doesn't want the last words before the "culmination" (both in song and "action") to be, "Jesus died for somebody's sins… but not mine."  Sinning for six whole minutes of the most intense and visceral rock of all time… where's Doc Brown?  I need to borrow the Delorean. Check it out here.

Joe Roth: Pulp -- “Pencil Skirt.” Faint memories of skunk weed, cigarettes, and warm beer come to mind.  A muffled unrecognizable song from Tupac thudding beyond the locked door.  Awkward teenagers making the giant leap forward into the unknown.  Who's getting excited? 

I for some reason thought of the song "Pencil Skirt" by Pulp.  I don't know if I ever wanted to loose my virginity to this song, but I always wanted to be it's narrator. 1996's Different Class from Pulp is littered with the Jarvis Cocker's warped views of alienation, confusion, and confidence and not a bad song the the lot.  

The lyrics include the lines, "I've kissed your Mother twice and now I'm working on your Dad,"  and "I'll be around when he's not in town, I'll show you how you're doing it wrong, I really love it when you tell me to stop, oh it's turning me on."  The sex crazed boy toy of "Pencil Skirt" definitely has a lot of balls and he sure likes to use them.  Who wouldn't wanna act these Cocker inspired scenarios out? Check it out here.

Cory Roop: The Postal Service -- “Recycled Air.” At first, I was tempted to go with the theme from The Benny Hill Show for multiple reasons.  The most predominant reason would be that the first time, it's almost comical how clueless you really are.  At least some appropriate music would take the edge off of the awkwardness.  After briefly considering the theme from the Austin Powers movies, I finally settled on the acoustic version of The Postal Service's "Recycled Air" that I have on my iPod.  The album version of the song is mellow, but Ben Gibbard strips the track down completely, singing along with only an acoustic guitar to accompany him.  The song takes on a whole new feeling when it's completely devoid of all the electronic effects. Check it out here.

Amy Dittmeier: Van Morrison – “I’ll Be Your Lover Too.” This is truly a tough question.  Believe it or not gents, but women think about what songs they want to have sexytime to quite frequently, or at least women who are obsessed with music such as myself.  It’s embarrassing to say that I lost my virginity to a King Crimson song (my high school boyfriend’s choice, not mine), so I would gladly go back in time to rectify my music choice.  There are a lot of dirty, nasty, sexy songs that I would gladly have sex to, but losing your virginity is something different.  It’s meant to be a special moment in your life, where you leave your girlish thoughts behind and become a true woman.  Losing it to something like “Let’s Get it On” or “Closer” would be totally inappropriate, though both are on my secret bedtime playlist. 

I can’t take full credit for my choice of Van Morrison’s “I’ll Be Your Lover Too.”  I fell in love with this song after seeing it used in the film Moonlight Mile during the intimate sex scene with Jake Gyllenhaal and Ellen Pompeo.  It’s a short but sweet song about a man who loves a woman with all of his heart.  It’s a total girl choice, I know.  I’m sure every guy out there would rather me choose “Crazy Bitch” or something stupid like that.  But “I’ll Be Your Lover Too” always pulls at my heartstrings when I hear it.  Every girl, no matter how raunchy she can get in the sack, has the desire to be made love to and held close to their significant other afterwards.  And who wants to do that to something loud and nasty?  Van Morrison had it right when he wrote this song.  We want a lover our first time, preferably a hot one. Check it out here.

Posted by Ryan Peters on Oct 10, 2008 @ 12:00 am